Sunday, 22 April 2012

Article by Geo: "Geo's Bits and Bytes: WAR!"

5th May 2005 is upon us and everyone who has any kind of love for the games industry should vote for labour.
"Why" you ask???? Well it's freaking obvious isn't it you idiots? WAR. Without war, would we have any decent games?
Games where you can go up to someone and blow their skulls off with a single blast of a 12 gauge shotgun. Without hate and war in the world, we would all be playing 'Kirby's Fucking Wonderworld' and 'Barbie cleans out her pony's shitting stable'. That would be shit. I'd rather get me minime and tear a hole in someones face until their momma cries tears of blood.
Corrupting our youth?...Fuck yeah and I love it. Where is 'Manhunt 2: Hack your eyes off'? (One of the greatest stealth games ever. I should know, I loves stealth. When you sneak up on someone hoping that they won't notice you, then...BAM!!!!!!! you stick your fingers in their ass...awesome...hang on a minute). I am waiting for the sequel.
I know, lets play nice 'Counter Strike' (this is in a world without war by the way). The naughty terrorists (known as the "Naughties" in this nice warless world) have taken our tea cakes, lets go and reason with them.
Bollocks! I love and cherish war with all my being, and like a fellow ninja master once said "Even with my pee-pee".

"WAR!"

VOTE WAR

Back to reality. This weekend the plumester and I are holding our bi-weekly Retro games carnage special. Basically a day and night of me opening a can of whoop ass on the plume, kicking his robot ass and beating his eyes off on every game we play. (Yeah including mario kart you Kafunt).
No matter what you say plume, you cannot escape from the truth.
I can't wait. Dont forget the booze.

GEO'S RANT

One thing that has pissed me off recently and yesterday are shitty little faggot American on-line gamers. I know your supposed to have fun when playing games, I agree with that so much to my core self, right. But do you have to yell and hoot and holler everytime you hit something FFS.

Like this one guy, 'R@gD0LL666' (gay name by the way) was really good, but every kill he would say something freakin' stupid like: "Whhooo hooo got you that time, what's the matter? mummy got your 12 gauge? "Or another time he said: "Whhooo hooo, what a hoot. You couldn't shoot even for the Ethiopians to eat food."And another time he said: "Hoot holler hoot, you shot me in the mouth and I got mouth armour on loser and then you go up to me with your stick and stick it in me and I laugh coz it didnt hurt loser. Then I popped you with my 12 gauge Lamer I am teh L33testerest hoot hoot."
Why cant we have a proper games where everyone ( I mean everyone) plays together on a team? And work together to gain our objectives? Its only ever happened to me once on 'Vietcong' and it was so damn good we played for about 6 hours on the same map. So good!
Also, I hate Micheal Moore because he is a good example of a stupid fat American. Wow, he can right the wrongs of America but God dont he love dose mcdonalds. Fat shit.

 "WAR!!!!!!" 

GEOS RAVE

"WWWWWAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!"

Went to the Wrestlin' with me brother on 25th April in Cardiff. It was so good I wanted to weep. VIP treatment, free beer, free dodgy looking food and free Wrestlin'. Saw the Undertaker for the first time.
Awesome night out and when I got home I tombstoned my dog to death. Alright! one up for animal cruelty.

 "WWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR???"

Until next month - MAKE IT SEW!




Review by plume: Corridor 7 "Alien invasion" (DOS, 1994)

"...Ha Ha, Seriously though, is that a cock on your head?" This game probably had that mocking statement printed on it's box for any buyers unfortunate enough not to have a time machine, and access to this review on the intercyberwebhighway when this abortion was released. I actually received the original, boxed atrocity as a gift...but I lost the head-cock.
It wouldn't surprise me if it was also unleashed onto the shelves in a special "Nailbomb Surprise!" edition.
Remember the slew of games based on Id's Wolfenstein engine? Followed by the tirade based upon Doom's, then Quake (not so much Quake 2, Don't know about you but didn't it feel like a bit of a "stop-gap" game?) etc. etc. Well this is of the Wolf generation, and yet it is worse in just about every imaginable way.
Imagine being barefoot and stepping in dogshit, which was resting on a craftily hidden, up-right nail, then falling over, (due to the immense pain) and when your head thuds to the ground (your mouth open and contorted in a nullifying spasm), the poo rolls towards your open word-pipe and rests on your lip.

Now play Corridor 7 and wish you were barefoot.

"
"I FUCKING LOVES PHOTOSHOP I DO'S!"

First off, load the game and peruse the options. Admittedly this is a 1994 game, but seeing as it is based on Wolf, you soon come to the realisation that Wolf actually had more options, and at least the controls were customisable to some extent.
The only options available are screen size and sound volume, which is scant to say the least.
Granted the presentation slightly surpasses Wolf's, and at startup may even encourage a semi-hardon, but Corridor 7 was well past the age of CGA cyan's and purples by this point, and it really does seem as if the developers were just following a formula to make a fast buck.

The "game" is unreasonably hard. Enemies will often appear behind you just after you have completely cleared an area, and know full well there was nothing there a second ago. This translates as a bad egg in my book. My big book of eggs.

Speaking of the enemies, they have to be some of the most uninspired, rotten shits I have ever had the fortune to smite.
Remember being in school and drawing pictures in the exercise books of classes you really couldn't give a shit about? Pictures of robots killing each other and maybe the odd "Jason is a nosey wankpot"?
These creatures are the drawings of a crap 12 year old, and I sincerely believe that even Tony Hart would have punched this particular child's face off, had he/she attempted "The Gallery".

This is the only in-game shot there is because screen capture doesn't work...thank God for that eh?

There is even a particularly nasty monster who disguises itself as a plantpot and slowly metomorphosises (to your utter disbelief) into it's hideous and fearful true form.
In the meantime you have shot it's crap brain off, punched it's arms up and kicked through both it's legs.

I must say that this review makes the game sound incredibly easy, and although a game may be bunk, there is still that wave of achievement received when completion has been reached.
The thing is, when you have killed off most of the floating eyeballs with guns attached to their sides, (no, really), and those hideous plant things, that twat in the picture above appears and it seems no amount of ammo or calling it fat will dispatch of it. Also...THERE IS NO FUCKING STRAFE.


The sound is equally as non-existent as the graphics and gameplay. Very weak, apart from the spot effect of the shooting eye. It sounds like an old mans dying fart. Shooting back up his pipe! Imagine the look on his face!
This game doesn't need to be encouraged, so don't play it. It'll probably take 15 years off your life, and that's worse than smoking.
Except you'd probably have more fun dying of a smoking related illness.
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