Saturday, 9 September 2017

What?

I'm addicted to a Nintendo Switch game called "Infinite Minigolf". It eschews all basic human needs and is all encompassing. It cares not of sapien law or of daily wants and needs. I have become, ostensibly, through this disgusting time vampire's cruel magic, a drained husk of a human. Also, I need to reach level 12 and unlock a really sweet pink mini dress.

Monday, 24 February 2014

Article by plume: The Prambleton Post...again.


Got another page of 'The Prambleton Post' up for whoever is even interested. As always, right click and view it or whatever you do with your fingers with mice. Slantyface. (Sorry Kath, it's too funny not to use:)) Quite.


Saturday, 22 February 2014

 

Article by plume:  The worst wife I have ever had.


After unfortunately waking up this morning, I decided that what better way to start my day than smearing mud over my body, lying naked in the woods, and keeping a running tally of how many unwitting woodland creatures I could capture and devour over a 15 hour period. I then decided that this activity could wait until next week, and that my time would probably be better spent playing Commodore 64 games instead.

One article on this blog deals with the electronic sorcery of the 'Random' button in Gamebase, and how its inconspicuous yet alluring curves set within that beguiling question mark have (probably never) led many a mans curiosity to better him. Women just press it because they are clever.

The 'Random' button. Also, 'Sexy Robot'. Chosen completely at random by pressing the random button.


For this article, I will again be demonstrating the use of the 'Random button' (I often do this by simply clicking it, others may achieve better results with alternative methods. Telepathy or verbal abuse for example.) JOIN ME!


1. Maggie AIP (Woman simulator(?), 1983, Ramiak)

Why Gamebase! It seems you do listen after all! The countless hours spent weeping uncontrollably at the screen due to the vapid and intolerable loneliness surrounding me have paid off! You have found me a wife!

I rapidly shuffled up the stairs and burst quietly into my room to find my favourite dating pants. After finding and discarding my 'Carbon Dating' pants, I finally located my 'Woman Dating' pants and rushed back to Maggie with renewed confidence.

Once loaded, Maggie required 30 seconds to 'Gather her thoughts'. "She's obviously nervous" I thought to myself. "Who wouldn't be with this fine example of a man hunched on a stool in front of them?" I thought about this for a second, straightened myself up, wiped the unidentifiable food from my jumper, and began to converse with her.

Interesting fact: Maggie has been utilised in 57 English speaking countries as a callcentre sales script for radiator companies.

As you can see from the above screenshot, Maggie was anything but nervous. In fact, it seemed she was quite the tease. I decided to furrow a more cultured path through this conversation, and so pretended to know and care about something of which I did neither. You know, like in real life! As the screenshot below shows, the results were dismal. You know, like in real life!


Lucky escape indeed, although take note that at one point, Maggie 'Extra Ignored' me. This only served to make me extra confused.

It seemed my attempts to sway Maggie with fierce intellect had failed, and I could sense her interest waning. I had to act fast, and think of subjects which (probably) held a common interest with both of us. This quickly turned out to be an unmitigated disaster as detailed in the screenshot below:


Interesting fact: MAGGIE HATES ME.

I quickly devised a cunning plan. I would pretend to need a toilet break, lock the door and squeeze myself through the window, thus ensuring a speedy escape while negating any awkward "So...bye then...I'll definitely keep in touch..." situations. I then remembered that this was my own house and I was sat in front of a computer.

I tenderly caressed the screen and switched it off. I'll always remember you Maggie.


The verdict:

Obviously its hilarious to type in ridiculous things, that goes without saying, but it gets stupendously boring very quickly. Ultimately, Maggie has an extremely basic parser and a hopelessly limited selection of responses to even the most simple input. Maggie didn't even respond to the tirade of insane profanities I subjected her to. That's not like real life women at all.

Saturday, 15 February 2014

Article by plume:  Amazon Reviews 

 

Some Amazon reviews I have written about products I love. Not really! Also, people hate them!

Here be an excerpt from a review of "Russell Grant's Astro Tarot Cards". You know, for if you simply cant be shitted to click the link.

"...After hurling the Derek Acorah video through a car window, I entered the internet cafe and browsed Amazon until...BINGO!
I quickly clicked away from the 'BINGO ACCESSORIES' section and browsed to the Rattle Grants section, whereupon I finally chanced on my goal. Astro Tarot.
To my absolute surprise and, if I'm honest, unbridled excitement, Russell Grant entered the cafe at precisely the moment my beautifully toned digits clicked 'buy'. He entered it by means of crashing from the air ventilation shaft above the computer next to me. (I would later learn that he had been waiting there since December 15th 2005)..."

HUP HUP, HUZZAH!



Thursday, 23 January 2014

Article by plume: The Prambleton Post 

 

Finally, The Prambleton Post is coming together. Got tons of ridiculous content for this, so hopefully I'll throw more content up when I can. In the meantime, right click on the image and view it in full size to read, or save it or whatever. I don't really understand how it goes big.















Wednesday, 22 January 2014




Article by plume:  World War 64


In my last post I do believe I detailed the magical properties of 'Gamebase' for the Commodore 64, and how it allowed me to sample the binary euphoria of 22500 games (and counting) known to have been produced for the electronic dream machine. (Thats the 'C64' Geo, not the 'Spaztrum'.) Using your mind-brains, remember that number: '22500'. Then, read this ebay listing bought to my attention by the lovely 'Lemon 64' community:





The following is an account of the actions I followed upon discovery of this item. Some animals were (probably) harmed.

(Imagine the world goes a bit wobbly, as if entering a dream. Just like 'Rent-a-ghost'. But without that fucking WITCH-LORD 'Timothy Claypole'.)


Little known fact: At the moment this photo was taken, Timothy was holding back a particularly forceful spirit. Timothy later swears its phantom penis didn't enter his mouth. The picture tells a different story.

                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My first step in decyphering this mysterious ebay listing was to employ the remaining survivors of Britains WWII 'Bletchly Park' encryption facility, in the hope that they could provide any insight into the scrawlings presented before me. My initial thought was to offer a 99p 'Buy Now!' to the seller on an original 'Babbage Difference Engine', circa 1800's but to no avail.

Anyway...the old girls at Bletchly Park were delighted at the opportunity to solve anything other than 'Giant Sudoku' in the 'Mail on Sunday' so they agreed to the task at hand, regardless of what I offered the seller or, themselves.

(Turns out you can bribe post-war pensioners with trolley tokens wrapped in tin-foil with the word "Munny" written on them. Old twats.)

(Another wobbly dream bit below...)

                               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

plume and the Bletchly girls are sat in what appears to be a sodden WWII shelter. World weary school desks replete with inkwells, are their workspace. Wooden stools replete with...well nothing really, just wood; are their...stools. They are surrounded by makeshift, wire-spewing radiography equipment. The incessant tap of morse-code in the background creates a sense of urgent urgency. urgently.

As plume (the girls) struggled through the meandering text contained within the ebay listing, the Bletchly girls, mentally exausted, finally arrived at their (plume's) ultimate goal: The tertiary, secondary and primary translation combined! It was akin to decyphering the actual 'Rosseta Stone'! (Not related to the shitty C64 conversion of 'Double Dragon 3: the Rosseta Stone' ™ which I hope to review at the end of this article, but the 'real life' ™ 1 hyroglyphic, 1 ancient Greek and 1 Demotic greek transcryption 'real-life' ™ conversion.)


Is that what the fortune teller told them?? 'Push fire button'?? I hope it immediately set them on fire.


...But wait...

The hardworking Bletchly girls had compiled their (plume's) report.

Bletchly girl #1: "I'm sorry plume, I simply cannot...I...I'm..."

She places the second and index fingers of her hands to both temples, kneading, in an attempt to waylay the encumberence of thought.

plume
: "It's OK...I understand that the 4000 games detailed in that ebay sale is nowhere near to the 22500+ games detailed in 'Gamebase', and the mere thought of that disk-box in the accompanying image containing every C64 game ever created, has just ushered in a little bit of bile from my trachea in to my beautifully formed mouth."

The aging bletchly girls probably all agreed in their minds that I had a beautifully formed mouth.

plume
: "THIS IS UTTER BOULDERDASH!"

(Unexpectedly, plume's clenched fist, bound with the rage of 1000 drunken puma's driving tanks, gently tapped at the wooden desk. He didn't want to get a splinter from the nasty and probably, spikey wood.)

"...You may stop your plight girls. To end this, I am thinking about sending a question to the the seller. In question."

Bletchly girl #2:
"Please do!"

Bletchly girl #3:
"Yes! Please do! for Bletchly girl #2 and I, haven't had a slight to do since we re-programmed 'Colossus'!"

Bletchly girl #2
throws her punch cards into the air in triumphant triumph. It's as if the triumph had made her TURBO triumphant.

Bletchly girl #1: "Wait, what? Did you say 'you've had nothing to do?' Have I been doing all the sodding work here? You bloody cows..."


Me (out of shot) and the hard working Bletchly girls. Just before bloody Dinner arrived. Probably.

Bletchy girl#1's caustic reprimand was rudely interrupted by Dinner.

Dinner, the butler, had entered the room by the rear entrance and immediately apologised for his Interruption.

Dinner the Butler: "I do apologise for my Interruption, he has a tendancy to bark loudly at the sight of punch cards being thrown triumphantly into the air."

Interruption the dog
: "WOOF!"

plume: "Where did you come from? Since when did we have a fucking butler? (He then gestured toward the hard-working Bletchly girls.) I'm (they're) trying to decypher the most magical ebay listing presented to the human race since Lance Burton tried to sell himself on ebay as Paul Daniels, hoping that Debbie McGee would buy him, and you are offering us food? Actually, are you offering food? Because you haven't yet."

Dinner the Butler:
"Again, my apologies. Sir, Madams...Food has arrived.

Food McLood, the boy waiter, arrived by means of throwing stink-bomb capsuals onto the cracked bathstone-tiled floor of the bomb shelter, thinking they would produce a curtain of smoke from which he could mysteriously emerge from. They didn't. What they did produce was a pungent, sulphuric, shit of a stench.

Food looked decidedly downtrodden and was sick several times in quick succesion while we all watched uncomfortably, before proudly announcing that "Food is Here!" Twice.

Food McLood: "Food is here! And Food is here!"

The boy-waiter continued to present himself, and then actual food. It consisted of two massive silver gastronoms, one filled with the most elegantly spiced Balti ever concieved, and the other with rice so fragrant, that even the most majestic of roses wilted before it. (Both the flower and the selection of cheap Cadburys chocolates.)

Bletchly girl#3: "I aint' eatin' any of that foreign shit."

plume: "Hang on, shouldnt you be talking like an upstanding 1940's flower of the war?"

Bletchly girl#2
: "Well yes, but...NO. You employed us unto this ridiculous article, and to be perfectly honest, none of us know what a "Condom Sexty Force computer" actually IS"

Bletchly girl#1: "Where's my munny?"


MUNNY


plume:
"God-dammit! I employed you with the understanding that this...this "ebay listing" could be 'completly' decyphered. We have the chance to offer future generations an alternative path. A way of seperating the wheat from the chaff. A way out."

Bletchly girl#3 firmly places her left hand onto plume's shoulder in an assuring manner. It had to be her left hand, as her right was stuffing delicious Balti into her gaping mouth-hole.

Bletchly girl#3: "This muck actually tastes quite peachy. Now get on with the 'Double Drag-act 3' review, you stinking jackanape. "IT'S ONLY A FUCKING GAME."
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BOOOM!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The residual dust from the Axis bombing run gradually subsides outside of the Bletchly encrytption shelter. Eventually, all who were contained within the safe-haven, emerge into the wasteland. 'What they saw has only now, been documented...'

*Geo slowly slips the mask of Bletchly girl#3 off his magnificantly toned face and turns to face plume in the wasteland of War-torn Britain. Bomb-licked houses and plumes of kicked-up, brick-red dust surround them. Geo is dramatically back-curtained by grey smoke, ringing with the cries of the wounded*

Geo:
"REMEMBER THIS?..." (He holds up a tape of 'Double Dragon 3' for the Commodore 64, almost crushing it in his bear-like fist, for Geo has fists like bears and speaks in a frighteningly powerful voice, that even Gods fear.)

plume: "Ummmm, yes mate, unfortunately..."

Geo: "I KNOW YOU DO. IT'S SHIT. DO THE FUCKING REVIEW."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Double Dragon 3 Review

Exactly.


























Wednesday, 5 June 2013

Article by plume: Me vs. Lee Enfield

Apart from Zooey Deschanel, the Commodore 64 has always been one of my ultimate loves, and I feel it loves me back. In ways which I cannot describe. For you would immediately be sick.
Although I do actually set up the original hardware every now and then, I am also an avid user of the tremendous C64 emulator 'VICE' working alongside 'Gamebase64'.

For those not familiar with the 'Gamebase' software, it is an emulator frontend and database which, with the right packages, will give you an incredible amount of options for each game added to it, such as scans of magazine adverts, the ability to play the soundtrack separately, screenshots and much more.
It supports a ton of different systems including SNES, Mastersystem, NES, Megadrive and of course, C64.
The latest version of 'Gamebase64' (v8.0) supports 22500(!) games, and for this article I was going to review 5 games plucked from this collection which I had previously enjoyed. Until I spotted the 'Random Game' button obviously placed in 'Gamebase64' by fucking wizards.
Here are 5 random C64 game reviews! JOIN ME.

1. Hindenburg (19??)

We start our journey on the 'Hindenburg'. "OH NO!" I don't hear you say. "The same 'Hindenburg which was ravaged by flames above Lakehurst airfield, tragically claiming the lives of 35 men and women and children and Germans"? I also don't hear you say that sentence, but I answer anyway:
"Yes. Also, this game exists".

Not pictured: Me being sick.

Using a joystick in port 2 (or your mind, futureman), you must guide the seemingly resurrected blimp through perilous skies, to rescue hapless citizens atop skyscrapers.
Once again, I don't hear you say "Why do the skies prove so perilous? Marauding mustang fighters? Birds with knives for beaks? Bees?"

No, Worse. Clouds.

As everyone reading this will be aware, clouds have been mankind's most formidable enemy since 1856, and...hang on, that's not right. Clouds are shit.
Yet in this game you hit one and you die. Which you will. A lot. Mind you, if you are mental enough to fill a massive balloon with 7062000 cubic feet of hydrogen, cram it full of chain smoking Nazi's and fly it through a lightning storm, you deserve everything you get.

Shit game. NEXT!

2. Blast 'em (1989)

Yeah! Spaceships and shit! The titlescreen that precedes the game claims: "Blast 'em, another fine game by Dr. Knox!"

Along with: "Blast 'em, a fantastic game with an intelligent design."

And this: "Those who want to get an autograph from Dr. Knox should look in the code for my address." (I'm not making this up, play it and see!)

Woah there! just who is this mysterious genius Dr. Knox? And has he managed to code something so mind shattering that it makes scholars sick and poo?
No. No he hasn't. Therefore for the remainder of this review, 'Blast 'em' will be referred to as 'Lie Simulator' and 'Dr. Knox' known as 'Dr Cocks'.

The title scroller of 'Lie Simulator' (Programmed by Dr Cocks) claims that the entire game was coded in 31 hours. So I see. Pressing fire to launch 'Lie Simulator' presents us with a ship at the bottom of the screen with the ability to move halfway up the playfield in all directions.

You should see it in motion. Looks like dogs exploded into sausages.

The enemy which cascades from the top of the screen consists of floppy disks, two types of wasp, and what looks like a waffle. Now, I have only been into space a limited number of times, but can definitely confirm that not one of these things have made the endless vacuum their natural habitat.
Their attack pattern is left to right. What else should I expect from an infuriated space waffle?

When destroyed, the enemies resulting explosion will also deplete your stock of lives should you get caught by it, often stripping you of two lives in a row. This is unfair, Dr Cocks. At least the music is decent.

Anyway, I'm off to "Ihlestr 18-2820, Bremen 77, West Germany" (again, I'm not making this up), to call on 'Dr Cocks' and make him eat waffles smeared with dead wasps. JOIN ME (again).

NEXT!

3. Typing Aid (19??)

That contemptuous bitch.

NEXT!

4. Slalom (1985)

Upon loading, I was greeted with a pleasant tune at the title screen which actually made me think of snow. Weird!

Upon pressing 'F1' and then choosing the lowest difficulty, I was greeted with a skier advancing down a slope, covered in it's entirety by snow. Weird!

Upon starting my descent of the mountain, I found myself admiring a decent parallax scrolling effect on the skyline and a reasonably good effort at sprite scaling on the trees as I weaved between flags, icy patches and what I can only describe as piles of shit. How did this feces get to be here? Yeti's? Weird!

Mothman descended upon the quiet Swiss village for his annual feed...

Sound effects are inoffensive enough, but overall there's just not enough content in 'Slalom' to keep me playing for long periods of time. Selecting the hardest difficulty only serves to ramp the game speed up ten fold, yet the course length stays the same, making it now last approximately twelve seconds. Weird!

Ultimately, it's kind of like the 'Winter Olympics'. It looks and sounds alright, but I'll only watch it for ten minutes.

NEXT!

5. Bob Moran / Lee Enfield (1988)

I don't even...what is...Gah!

I was so astounded by this game, I had to make a video of it. It's fucking astonishing! There's a reason why there aren't any other videos of this game on the Internet. it's because as soon as one is discovered, the server it is stored on gets destroyed by hammers made of bears.

The designers originally included a two player option but had to remove it after discovering that when two people played it at the same time, their arms would turn into snakes and they would instantly devour each others bodies.

The title screen looks pretty fucking bad-ass, with a squid lipped 'Bob Moran' (incidentally he was re-named 'Lee Enfield' for the British version, probably because being named after a gun is one billion times cooler than 'Bob') holding a sword to the face of a blue vampire. And a tiny castle. Yeah!

But no.

When warlocks first scoured civilisations for a vessel in which they could store their beast-magic, waiting for a suitable moment to unleash it upon our planet, they chose this game. Watch the video. (Only once though, lest you scratch out your eyes).

video
Oddly, the 'Lee Enfield' version wont work in emulators.
Doesn't matter, they both eat their young.

First, focus on the music. It's the maniacal composition of a complete fucking lunatic and it actually fits the situation perfectly. The game contains no text, so scrolls (I think), and other items appear as pixellated messes, with no description of what they are or what their use in the game is.

The controls are chronically unresponsive (it's not just me being a prick in the video) and completely break the game. Watch me unsuccessfully try to open a chest several times. It's hilarious!

But by far and away my FAVOURITE part of the game is the fighting. Seriously, it's unreal. Just watch! As you initiate battle with the denizens of darkness (namely a man in a green cape and the shitting Yeti from 'Slalom'), You both enter into a spectacular, limb thrashing, spastic dance. The most amazing event in the video is definitely when the Yeti joins me in the centre of a room and we completely spaz out together until it becomes too much for him and he explodes into a cloud of shit. It's majestic.
I advise everyone to play these games at least once in their lives. Except 'Lee Enfield'. Let the pain I endured, and this video, serve as the only reminders of a frighteningly destructive force which hides among us. Lee Enfield, Harvester of Souls, will one day arise to wreak his malevolence. And only you my friends, only you, will recognise the true face of abhorrent evil.

It has squid lips.

Monday, 22 April 2013

Review by Geo: "Virtual Hydlide" (Saturn, 1995)

Cumbersome Rotters.

Killer trees, deadly dragons and bloodthirsty zombies are rife in this magical slash and hack adventure. To the haunting strains of the atmospheric soundtrack, explore the super-realistic 3D fantasy world, warping to different dimensions, collecting powerful weapons and mysterious objects and tackling weird and wonderful foes. The amazing landscape generator creates a completely new adventure every time you play, providing a whole new dimension in rpg gaming.

 "Quick, there's Noel, STAB HIM...oh, it's a tree..."


Thats what it promised me when I was standing in the PDSA with a fresh two pound coin, with 'Virtual Hydlide' and 'Radiant Silvergun'. So I chose Vitual Hydlide naturally because of the zombies and the deadly dragons.
You play yourself on this almighty quest to do something which is probably good like rescue the princess, beat Dr Robotnik, destroy Hal, save the universe, discover the cure for aids, turn this fucking shit off etc etc etc . (It's actually rescue the princess by the way).

 The general idea of this game is good, but the result is about as fun as eating a cut off bit of cancer with broken glass and Jason Crouch for a starter. Thankfully it's not as bad as looking at Noel James' shitty little monkey face. ( You stole my scooter monkeylad).

 What the fuck?!?


Graphics are rubbish as (insert swear). Do you remember when we first had PC's back in the 'Nam, there was a screen saver which put you through this amazing 3-D maze...well its nothing like that. It's more like its aborted 3d sister '3-D fucking shit maze-etta'. Its lifelike main character looks like an Ewok with growth problems who has robotic legs and long arms. Textures have had no love put into them and the sound has been constructed of noises soley made from crisp packets.

 "Geo panics as he realises he's stepped into Hydlide's gay tavern - The Pink Knight."

Gameplay is as good as a shitting dog.

The only redeeming feature this has is that it generates a new world for you to play in every time you start a new game. Wow.
And what the fuck are those green blob things!!!!!!!!!!!
Dont bother offending your eyes, leave locked in a box with 'Clayfighter 63 1/3'.

CRAP.
03%

Review by plume: "Fatal Frame/Project Zero" (PS2, 2001)

I fucking HATE this game.

Not because it's shit you understand, because it's not shit. It's actually really good, minor faults withstanding.
I fucking hate it because it almost gave me a heart attack one night and an irrational fear of cameras, which I have since overcome.
Hang on, that's just a blatant lie. On with the review eh?

First of all "Project Zero" kind of sounds like an early Jackie Chan movie when they were good (especially "Wheels on Meals"), and I'm kind of torn as to whether this name change was a good move or not.

Right, I love wasting stuff in games, especially zombies.

There's no zombies, but you do play a Japanese schoolgirl, so that's ok then.
You get to skulk around a huge fuck-off mansion equipped with a camera and a short skirt, expected to vaquish ghosts by taking photos of them. Yeah right. I'm telling you if I came across any of these in Real Life(tm) I'd be sitting in a corner talking in tongues and wallowing in my own faeces.
When I was living in Ireland in a big fuck-off house (not a mansion, mind), I opened up a fuse box at the top of the stairs one night, and a fucking moth flew out. I almost had a faecal implosion then. A fucking moth.

I must mention that the graphics are particularly fabulous throughout, a lovely shadow technique is employed, making the shadows dance by torchlight, having the delightful and pant-soiling effect of "something in every corner". Although a game full of just "Corners" and "Things" would be as shit as chocolate coal, Probably.

It's ok, he's great with children...and a salad. Sorry.

The textures are generally high quality, with very few turning to an unidentifiable mess when up close, which can only be good news as far as ghost snapping is concerned. I mean I dont want to be wasting precious film trying to dispatch of a "freeform full-torso floating apparition" (Ghostbusters, P.S - I'm a twat), only to find out I've been trying to kill a fucking kettle. Or a cabinet.

As I'm sure you horror aficionados are aware, good use of sound is one of the the most important aspects of a horror flick.
1. Imagine no sound at all. There is nothing scary about a silent horror movie.
2. Imagine a horror movie with Dido as the soundtrack. The wrong use of sound can lead to death and mass suicide.

The sound which is present is pretty sparse, but does a very good job delivering stabbing orchestral jabs and haunting chorus. The undead will occasionally mutter a just audible "Help me" or "You've got some Babybel on your cheek, do you want a tissue to wipe it off with?" or "DIE SHITHOUSE", along with general moaning. Because that's all ghosts do is bloody moan.

Although most praise for this game is duly deserved, there nevertheless exists some flaws which, to be quite honest were quite annoying a few years ago, and amazingly still exist today in titles such as Resident Evil 4. (But due to to mitigating circumstances like...ummmm, oh yeah, IT'S FUCKING AMAZING and AUTOSAVE, we let it off).
For one, WWHHHHHHYYYYYYYY do I have to collect things in order to save my game? When you have reached so far in a game and want to explore a bit, you are effectivley being punished for straying too far and being too inquisitive. It really shouldn't do that.

This is "Kirby's Fucking Wonderworld". Happy now Geo?

The inventory system.

You cannot tell me that there is no simpler way of doing this other than pausing the game, selecting and equipping an object, unpausing the game and into the foray once more, forgetting that you needed the knife to slash the bears face in, and not the shitting "GREEN HERB".

Perfect dark had a sometimes bewildering array of items and weapons in the inventory at once, even cycling with a shoulder button was tedious. It got around this problem by having the player hold down the weapon select button and a circle of weapons and objects would appear as an overlay on the action (still visible). as long as the button was held down the stick could be used to select an icon (easily distinguishable in a firefight), and the moment the button was released...you are back where you belong: Not the Real World(tm). You can breathe again.

Now I fully understand that this method is not suitable for every genre of game, but truly believe that it may be a huge help to the survival horror / third person category of game. Even RE4 suffers from the inventory problem when you need to select a few weapons / items in a short space of time, and I've not even played it that much. 

 "...Ngghh..."

Now I've been going on for too long and I'm tired. And hungry. And tired. And hungry. And tired. And hungry. And hungry. And tired. And tired. And hungry.

Maybe if this game were to come with a real ghost in the box, some trousers which have been shitted already (to save you the trouble), and maybe a japanese girl, then it would be a truly momentous game indeed. Not to mention highly illegal. As it stands, it is merely a great game and, thankfully, entirly legal.
Apart from the special edition apparently...Actually no, I'm lying again. 

 "...I think I've leaked..."

90%


Sunday, 22 April 2012

Article by Geo: "Geo's Bits and Bytes: WAR!"

5th May 2005 is upon us and everyone who has any kind of love for the games industry should vote for labour.
"Why" you ask???? Well it's freaking obvious isn't it you idiots? WAR. Without war, would we have any decent games?
Games where you can go up to someone and blow their skulls off with a single blast of a 12 gauge shotgun. Without hate and war in the world, we would all be playing 'Kirby's Fucking Wonderworld' and 'Barbie cleans out her pony's shitting stable'. That would be shit. I'd rather get me minime and tear a hole in someones face until their momma cries tears of blood.
Corrupting our youth?...Fuck yeah and I love it. Where is 'Manhunt 2: Hack your eyes off'? (One of the greatest stealth games ever. I should know, I loves stealth. When you sneak up on someone hoping that they won't notice you, then...BAM!!!!!!! you stick your fingers in their ass...awesome...hang on a minute). I am waiting for the sequel.
I know, lets play nice 'Counter Strike' (this is in a world without war by the way). The naughty terrorists (known as the "Naughties" in this nice warless world) have taken our tea cakes, lets go and reason with them.
Bollocks! I love and cherish war with all my being, and like a fellow ninja master once said "Even with my pee-pee".

"WAR!"

VOTE WAR

Back to reality. This weekend the plumester and I are holding our bi-weekly Retro games carnage special. Basically a day and night of me opening a can of whoop ass on the plume, kicking his robot ass and beating his eyes off on every game we play. (Yeah including mario kart you Kafunt).
No matter what you say plume, you cannot escape from the truth.
I can't wait. Dont forget the booze.

GEO'S RANT

One thing that has pissed me off recently and yesterday are shitty little faggot American on-line gamers. I know your supposed to have fun when playing games, I agree with that so much to my core self, right. But do you have to yell and hoot and holler everytime you hit something FFS.

Like this one guy, 'R@gD0LL666' (gay name by the way) was really good, but every kill he would say something freakin' stupid like: "Whhooo hooo got you that time, what's the matter? mummy got your 12 gauge? "Or another time he said: "Whhooo hooo, what a hoot. You couldn't shoot even for the Ethiopians to eat food."And another time he said: "Hoot holler hoot, you shot me in the mouth and I got mouth armour on loser and then you go up to me with your stick and stick it in me and I laugh coz it didnt hurt loser. Then I popped you with my 12 gauge Lamer I am teh L33testerest hoot hoot."
Why cant we have a proper games where everyone ( I mean everyone) plays together on a team? And work together to gain our objectives? Its only ever happened to me once on 'Vietcong' and it was so damn good we played for about 6 hours on the same map. So good!
Also, I hate Micheal Moore because he is a good example of a stupid fat American. Wow, he can right the wrongs of America but God dont he love dose mcdonalds. Fat shit.

 "WAR!!!!!!" 

GEOS RAVE

"WWWWWAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!"

Went to the Wrestlin' with me brother on 25th April in Cardiff. It was so good I wanted to weep. VIP treatment, free beer, free dodgy looking food and free Wrestlin'. Saw the Undertaker for the first time.
Awesome night out and when I got home I tombstoned my dog to death. Alright! one up for animal cruelty.

 "WWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR???"

Until next month - MAKE IT SEW!




Review by plume: Corridor 7 "Alien invasion" (DOS, 1994)

"...Ha Ha, Seriously though, is that a cock on your head?" This game probably had that mocking statement printed on it's box for any buyers unfortunate enough not to have a time machine, and access to this review on the intercyberwebhighway when this abortion was released. I actually received the original, boxed atrocity as a gift...but I lost the head-cock.
It wouldn't surprise me if it was also unleashed onto the shelves in a special "Nailbomb Surprise!" edition.
Remember the slew of games based on Id's Wolfenstein engine? Followed by the tirade based upon Doom's, then Quake (not so much Quake 2, Don't know about you but didn't it feel like a bit of a "stop-gap" game?) etc. etc. Well this is of the Wolf generation, and yet it is worse in just about every imaginable way.
Imagine being barefoot and stepping in dogshit, which was resting on a craftily hidden, up-right nail, then falling over, (due to the immense pain) and when your head thuds to the ground (your mouth open and contorted in a nullifying spasm), the poo rolls towards your open word-pipe and rests on your lip.

Now play Corridor 7 and wish you were barefoot.

"
"I FUCKING LOVES PHOTOSHOP I DO'S!"

First off, load the game and peruse the options. Admittedly this is a 1994 game, but seeing as it is based on Wolf, you soon come to the realisation that Wolf actually had more options, and at least the controls were customisable to some extent.
The only options available are screen size and sound volume, which is scant to say the least.
Granted the presentation slightly surpasses Wolf's, and at startup may even encourage a semi-hardon, but Corridor 7 was well past the age of CGA cyan's and purples by this point, and it really does seem as if the developers were just following a formula to make a fast buck.

The "game" is unreasonably hard. Enemies will often appear behind you just after you have completely cleared an area, and know full well there was nothing there a second ago. This translates as a bad egg in my book. My big book of eggs.

Speaking of the enemies, they have to be some of the most uninspired, rotten shits I have ever had the fortune to smite.
Remember being in school and drawing pictures in the exercise books of classes you really couldn't give a shit about? Pictures of robots killing each other and maybe the odd "Jason is a nosey wankpot"?
These creatures are the drawings of a crap 12 year old, and I sincerely believe that even Tony Hart would have punched this particular child's face off, had he/she attempted "The Gallery".

This is the only in-game shot there is because screen capture doesn't work...thank God for that eh?

There is even a particularly nasty monster who disguises itself as a plantpot and slowly metomorphosises (to your utter disbelief) into it's hideous and fearful true form.
In the meantime you have shot it's crap brain off, punched it's arms up and kicked through both it's legs.

I must say that this review makes the game sound incredibly easy, and although a game may be bunk, there is still that wave of achievement received when completion has been reached.
The thing is, when you have killed off most of the floating eyeballs with guns attached to their sides, (no, really), and those hideous plant things, that twat in the picture above appears and it seems no amount of ammo or calling it fat will dispatch of it. Also...THERE IS NO FUCKING STRAFE.


The sound is equally as non-existent as the graphics and gameplay. Very weak, apart from the spot effect of the shooting eye. It sounds like an old mans dying fart. Shooting back up his pipe! Imagine the look on his face!
This game doesn't need to be encouraged, so don't play it. It'll probably take 15 years off your life, and that's worse than smoking.
Except you'd probably have more fun dying of a smoking related illness.
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